Wednesday, March 01, 2006


We're so broke. Nothing but $6.17 in the bank. Period. Nothing to fall back on in case of an emergency. Then again, my entire life is one big emergency. My income has dropped considerably since I've been on disability. Jacob's father is thousands behind in child support... which happens all the time. He catches up and continues to pay for a few months then stops. But he doesn't just take a week or two off. No. When he stops paying he doesn't start again until we go to court and the judge warns him, "You're in contempt. You let this happen one more time you're going to jail." Jacob's 10. Never once in those 10 years has he gone to jail. Not that I want him there. I want him to work and pay support. If anyone's going to jail I want it to be me. Three hot meals a day. No bills. Free cable. A new group of people... okay. So maybe that's not a bonus. But it does sound nice to have no worries for a little while.

I get "paid" on the third of every month. Last month I spent $275 at the grocery store the very day the check was deposited in my account. We were out of everything. My parents had to buy milk and bread for us several times because we didn't have a thing. I barely had enough money to pay my bills last month. Right now I'm looking at a huge stack of bills that need to be mailed, but I haven't had the money to buy the stamps. 2 cent stamps. Not 39 cent stamps. 2 cents.

I'm watching Snickers scratch herself so much that it hurts me. She's on three medications and sees the vet at least once a month. I can hardly afford that. I can't afford the special diet or the blood tests they want to run. But I'm gonna have to do it. I can't let her suffer. I can't get rid of her because (even though she's technically Jacob's) she's my girl. We spend every waking moment together locked up inside this house. She was an answered prayer when I found her. She knows how badly I hurt and will lay so close to me, but not touch. She curls her fat little body around my head and neck because she can sense the intense pain. And she's suffering everyday as well.

Jacob's going through another growth spurt (which is why we have no food in the house!). He's in 4th grade and is 5'3" and weighs 120 pounds. He's solid as a rock and is stronger than most 7th graders. He's growing out of his jeans. His shoes are too small. He already wears a size 9 in men!!!!!!! He's wearing undershirts that are three sizes too small. Seriously. They're the same undershirts he's had since the beginning of 3rd grade. They are teeny tiny. They fit him like half shirts. They're stained and no longer white but way off-white. But he says it's okay because nobody sees them.

An angel came to my door today to give us money from her Sunday School class. She goes to my church and tries to collect money for us every month. They are obedient and faithful servants. I wouldn't make it without their help. Just two months ago the furnace went out. An old furnace that is on its last leg. The guy that cleans our furnace told me in November he wasn't sure it would make it through the winter. I don't have $3000 to buy a new one. I'm trusting God to get me through.

The very night the temperature dropped from 60+ degrees down to the low 20s the furnace quit. Thankfully my parents live just a street away so we were able to stay with them (What ever would I do without my parents?) The guy came to fix the furnace the next morning and spent two and a half hours trying to clean it and rig it so it would work just a little while longer. He even reduced the charge because he knows money's tight. He took more than $60 off the bill... giving me a total of $90. Guess how much the angel dropped off? $100. $100! I happily handed over the cash and told him to buy lunch with the change.

We're just broke. I'm not telling you this for any sympathy at all. I don't want sympathy. I don't need it. It's not gonna do me any good. I'm just telling you this because God is so faithful and good. And because I was able to go to Target tonight and buy laundry detergent and cleaning supplies that we've been out of for weeks. (You should see the mountain of clothes. Thank goodness Jacob has a lot of old t-shirts, huh?!) But... here's the good part. I bought a pair of olive green pants for $5.74 and a long sleeve v-neck for $2.98. Clearance rocks! And I bought this and this. Jacob and I spent an hour infusing our lips (I'm not kidding... we couldn't stop wetting our lips with that cold little ballbearing of yummy goodness) and blowing bubbles. We had a bubble blowing contest so long that my jaws are killing me, and my head's about to burst. But it was so much fun. And worth the pain. (And before you think I'm a bad mom for buying clothes for me and not Jacob... number 1 the entire outfit cost me $8.72! and we're going to Kohl's... with a big sale (shocker) and an extra 30% off coupon. Believe me. He's taken care of!)

(I'll write a post about my "disability" soon. I've just been putting it off. Partly because it's going to take so long, but mostly because I don't want you to feel like I'm a big whiner looking for your sympathy. Because that's not the case at all.)


Blogger Shelli said...

I would never think you were a whiner. Unless you were whining. You aren't. You are telling us what we want to know because we care about you. I think that you are amazing, Kimmy. You are a good Mommy and you do it all by yourself. My wish for you is that God sends you an angel who will help take care of you and Jacob. For. Ever. Someone like my Jason. You deserve it.

12:19 AM  
Blogger vanx said...

Hey, I didn't think for a minute you were looking for sympathy. It's a web journal. This was your day. I'm glad to be among the people who made you smile by commenting--if indeed I have. I enjoyed our "discussion" at Michele's this weekend.

12:33 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

God IS good. Today I went to the memorial service for a woman who left behind two little girls. She had cancer. She did not doubt that God is good, even during all she went through.

May you be blessed by more earthly angels and friends.

12:44 AM  
Blogger jac said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today! I appreciate you taking the time.
I know how it is to be hanging by the very last thread. Your situation sounds very stressful. If you are on disability, I would think that you might qualify for other forms of assistance such as food stamps. You might want to check with your case worker or with someone at the SS office about that.
Also, contact your humane society and ask about programs to help people out when they cannot afford the special stuff that their special needs pets require. At the very least have a heart to heart with your vet and see if they would be willing to give you a discount or do some things for free. My vet has been amazing working with me on expenses because of me being on a very tight budget.
I'd love to hear about your disability. I have a hearing disability and I am working on my doctorate in rehabilitation counseling.
I look forward to learning more about you!
God bless you & your family!

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's amazing how like changes with every day that passes. I have been there, believe me!

2:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will keep you in my prayers girl.

Doesn't Jacob's dad feel any remorse that his son has to wear old t-shirts?

What is wrong with some men?
Does he never see Jacob?

You keep praying and keep being a great mom to your son.

3:00 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

:( I'm so sorry...believe me, I know what it is like to be in your shoes. Please think about going to Social Services and see if they can help you with anything. And - in my state, they have programs to help with furnaces, new windows, etc...maybe your state has that as well. Ours is called Community Action.

6:57 AM  
Blogger FrogLegs said...

I don't hear whining at all-- I hear a journal entry on days where it was "me" just 3 years ago... and sometimes still. *hugs* and prayers--

9:29 AM  
Blogger naive-no-more said...

I've been where you are and I'm still struggling, but take heart, everything passes. It sounds like you have a great attitude and that's half the battle. Hugs.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Katherine said...

You are NOT a whiner!! I'm prayin g for you and sending good thoughts (and hopefully more "angels") your way. You're a good person and God won't let you down.

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Ficklechick said...

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time.

I can relate to the non-child support paying dad. I had one of those. My son is in college now and the last check I got was when he was 2! Jerk.

Sounds like some of your commenter's have some great ideas to check out for some assistance! Hang in there ;)

10:18 AM  
Blogger Courtney said...

Bless your heart! Sounds like the others have given some suggestions to look into. Also, do you have a freecycle group near you? That is very helpful also, I'm sure someone has some t-shirts in the right size for your son, as well as many other things. Our local freecycle group has been so helpful for so many. You can go to the main site and see if there is one near you.

Hugs and prayers coming your way!

10:33 AM  
Blogger Mama B said...

God WILL provide for all your needs!!

10:46 AM  
Blogger It's a FLIP-FLOP World said...

Kimmy, I am so sorry to hear about the situation that you are in and no I do not think that you are whinning!! You need to vent this and this is a great way to do it. I have learned that things can be worse!! Yes, I know you are thinking WORSE!! Yes, Worse!! Try to think of it that way. God will provide. His timing is never ours!! I will be thinking of you!!

1:03 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

kimmy - you'll be in my prayers. i'll mostly pray for someone or something to kick jacob's dad in the butt; so he 'remembers' to start paying child support. that just brings out the anger in me, i tell you!!! i'm glad you have angels - and your parents - to get you through this. you're in my prayers. i feel for you with this pain; whatever it is, i know you'll get through it. i'm glad you have snickers to cuddle.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Joan said...

Kimmy, thanks for coming by my site today. Your post breaks my heart because I know how hard life is sometimes. However, your post also lifted me up because I see in you a person who is doing all she can to make her life and her child's life the best it can be. I also see I person who working hard and trusting God to supply the rest of her needs. One of your commenters had a great idea - why don't you check into freecycle?

There is a great community of true Christians (not the self-righteous ones you wrote about last week!) in the blogging community. You are on my prayer list -- and probably lots of other bloggers'

Thanks for going by Cooper's site. He was in church Sunday before last and my husband baptised his baby brother. Cooper looked great and stood there looking proud as could be! Cooper made the promises (along with his parents) to be an example for Parker and to surround him with love and forgiveness so that he will accept Jesus for himself when he is older.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Paisley said...

I agree with Courtney - check into freecycle. It is amazing.

You are not being a whiner. Don't ever worry about that. This is YOUR journal and you can do whatever YOU want on it.

I will keep you both in my prayers. Keep your chin up. I know you will be provided for. I'm glad you shared. There are so many of us in dire straits that it is nice to know we are not alone.


3:02 PM  
Blogger Morning Glory said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog. You sound like a really neat lady. I love the way God provides at just the right time, don't you? I can't count the times in my life when He was there exactly on time. God bless you and your little one.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Rachelle said...

Hugs to you! I hope things start looking up soon. I will be sending prayers your way.

4:17 PM  
Blogger LadyBugCrossing said...

You are blessed in many ways - the little miracles in your life are what keep you going. You are not a whiner!
Bargains have to be purchased when they are found. - There is nothing better than a good bargain!!
God Bless -

6:25 PM  
Blogger Virenda said...

You brought tears to my eyes and I know you don't want or need my sympathy, but your in my heart. I can't believe, I just...

I know how hard life can be, I know that it's definitely never what you plan, and I'm just sorry that you have to live with pain and anxiety. You deserve better.

Your son is SO fortunate to have you, you sound like such an amazing mother. I know I don't know you that well and we just "met" but I love you. (I feel like a dorky guy) You make me think Kimmy and you bring so much thought, consideration and warmth to your blog. I'm happy that I get the chance to read you every day. I hope things go well for you.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Lazy Daisy said...

Hey girlfriend, God is not without His resources as you have already seen. My prayers and thoughts are with you and I'm waiting with you to see how God will provide for you, Jacob, and Snickers.

7:46 PM  
Blogger monica said...

I don't see you as complaining, just sharing. Sharing your heart and struggles. When I was on my own with my son I was SO flippin' broke. My car died. It was in the middle of a snow storm. Some guys from my church picked it up, fixed it, and then returned it. The guys picked my son and I up from work and back off again.

It was amazing. :)

God will provide, I'm praying tonight for you.


8:15 PM  
Blogger momyblogR said...

Thanks for stopping by! Oh, and that picture on the top....I look like that ALL the time, lol!

9:34 PM  
Blogger mommyof4 said...

Oh girl I am in the same spot. If it were not for income tax returns with the child tax credit we would have lost one of our cars and possibly our house. I am applying for disiabity and I started the process in June! The little angel from Sunday school is so sweet. Alot of people tell me to ask my church for help but I am not there enough and I feel stupid asking. I hope things look up for you soon, you will be in my thoughts and my prayers.:) Take care and wear that outfit with your bargain shopper pride!:)

9:52 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

((((Kimmy))))) Big Hugs, You are not a whiner at all. Have been where you are. You are a great mom and you seem like a strong person. I know you will be ok.

You and your son are in my thoughts and Prayers!

Hugs Suz

2:41 PM  
Blogger Veronika said...

I just sent you an email

2:51 PM  
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