Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

May we all remember the reason for the season and be blessed by God's everlasting goodness!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Friday Funny... Christmas Style

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........

5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Friday Funny... Funny, funny!

A few weeks ago my twin (minus five years), Brandi Shea, took me out for a birthday lunch. After talking and laughing and eating I was surprised I was feeling so well. So we decided to go to T.J. Maxx.

We walked around, found some good buys, laughed at some of the crazy (and hideous) things for sale, and annoyed the other shoppers, I'm sure.

After spending way too much time picking out $3 bras, I told Brandi I'd meet her up front because I needed to pick up something for Jacob.

I turned the cart around in the narrow lingerie aisle and made my way toward the front of the store. I stopped by to look at some jewelry and picked up a yummy blanket for Jacob.

I made my way up to the front of the store and waited in line. The long line. With only two cashiers. Oh well. I had nothing else to do... and I really thought about opening the bag of Lindor Truffles. Mmmm!

Another cashier opened a register and two women that were behind me rushed up to her register. Ugh! Hate that! So rude! Anywho... I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and expected to see Brandi, but instead found an older lady with a very serious look on her face. In a low voice she said,

"Um, there's something on the back of your sweater that will be a little embarrassing if you leave the store."

Great! You ladies KNOW the first thing that I thought of. My mind was racing, my heart pounding, and I was already embarrassed.

I turned and brought the back of my (long) sweater around to find the source of my embarrassment!!!!

Just then Brandi walked up. As I had to UNWEAVE the plastic panty hanger from my sweater. Yeah. Un.weave.

How in did I get a pair of granny panties (not even a cute thong or boy short... granny panties!) WOVEN into my sweater... walk through a store... stand in line in front of people... and no-one notice? Well, I'm sure it's not that no-one noticed, but no-one stopped from laughing long enough to tell me.

No-one until my little angel. Whom I'm sure went home and shared the story with her family and laughed the rest of the night.

'Cause y'all know I did.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Friday Funny... Tickle Me Elmo Style

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m.

The next day at 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . . . . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

(an email I received)